Dealing with Difficult People
I live in a Buddhist subculture. I don't just mean the place where I live, but most of the people I interact with are at least nominally Buddhist.
Because they have all had extensive teachings on karma and compassion and working with the mind, I have higher expectations of them than I do of the rest of society. However, those people--especially the ones who are involved in Dharma-center work--are often at the end of their rope, over-worked, stressed out. That stress shows up in the form of unfriendliness and short tempers.
So, I started thinking, how can we change the system, the culture around our Dharma centers so that people have a better way to handle the stress. Should we make more structure so that their time is more protected--certain hours of the day that are silent or for formal meditation practice only?
Or does some kind of training program need to be implemented to target these Dharma workers and show them how to practice Lo-Jong, Thought Transformation, i.e., how to transform difficult situations into the path?
The true practitioner of Lo-Jong looks forward with joy to any kind of annoyance, seeing it as material for their thought-transformation. Oh, someone's is asking me to do one more thing! How excellent! I have a chance to serve others and to squash the stubborn "What about me" attitude!
Or, Look! There is my least favorite person coming up to talk to me. How great. Now I can realize how I am dividing people into friend-enemy-stranger based on how they make me feel. What a good chance to practice equanimity and unbiased love.
But it has never been the emphasis in our tradition of Buddhism to create a highly controlled outer environment, getting everyone else to behave in a certain way. Instead, the emphasis is working with one's own mind.
That means that I myself have to use all this Lo-Jong stuff. Not expecting others to do it. I am the one who can practice thought transformation when they don't behave the way I think they should.
From the Eight Verses of Thought Transformation:
"When someone whom I have benefited and in whom I have great hopes gives me terrible harm, I shall regard that person as my holy guru."
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Because they have all had extensive teachings on karma and compassion and working with the mind, I have higher expectations of them than I do of the rest of society. However, those people--especially the ones who are involved in Dharma-center work--are often at the end of their rope, over-worked, stressed out. That stress shows up in the form of unfriendliness and short tempers.
So, I started thinking, how can we change the system, the culture around our Dharma centers so that people have a better way to handle the stress. Should we make more structure so that their time is more protected--certain hours of the day that are silent or for formal meditation practice only?
Or does some kind of training program need to be implemented to target these Dharma workers and show them how to practice Lo-Jong, Thought Transformation, i.e., how to transform difficult situations into the path?
The true practitioner of Lo-Jong looks forward with joy to any kind of annoyance, seeing it as material for their thought-transformation. Oh, someone's is asking me to do one more thing! How excellent! I have a chance to serve others and to squash the stubborn "What about me" attitude!
Or, Look! There is my least favorite person coming up to talk to me. How great. Now I can realize how I am dividing people into friend-enemy-stranger based on how they make me feel. What a good chance to practice equanimity and unbiased love.
But it has never been the emphasis in our tradition of Buddhism to create a highly controlled outer environment, getting everyone else to behave in a certain way. Instead, the emphasis is working with one's own mind.
That means that I myself have to use all this Lo-Jong stuff. Not expecting others to do it. I am the one who can practice thought transformation when they don't behave the way I think they should.
From the Eight Verses of Thought Transformation:
"When someone whom I have benefited and in whom I have great hopes gives me terrible harm, I shall regard that person as my holy guru."
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This is a great conclusion! How hypocritical to be frustrated with others because they aren't practicing mind-training...so funny, I think I do this all the time, completely blind to the irony...
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